Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned
gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to
it, "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. take us to your leader." The
gas pump, of
course, did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting.
Again, there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived
to
be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun and said
impatiently,
"Greetings, Earthling. We came in peace. How dare you ignore
us in this
way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't
anger him..."but
before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was
a huge
explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where
they
landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the
one who
fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious
creature. It
nearly killed us! But, how did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned
during my
travels though the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can
wrap
around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't screw
with him!"
---___---___---___---___---___---___---___---
*CHUCKLE
A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband
set up his computer,
and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter a password
that
he wants to use when logging on.
The husband is in a rather amorous mood and figures he will try
for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention so, when the
computer
asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to
his wife
that he is keying in "penis"...
His wife nearly falls off her chair from laughing so
hard when the
computer replies:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
***PLEASE TRY INSERTING A NEW ONE.***
---___---___---___---___---___---___---___---
Interesting Factoids:
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president
whose name contains all the letters from the word
"criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
*
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
*
The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone
squishing her hands in jelly. Debra Winger was the
voice of E.T.
*
Pearls melt in vinegar.
*
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough
leather for a year's supply of footballs.
*
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal
ads for dating are already married.
*
Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an
abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
*
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
*
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead
skin.
*
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung
cancer.
(Lovely) :o/
*
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the morning.
*
The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the
number of varieties of pickles the company once had.
*
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept
at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne
particles resulting from the flush. (Eeek)
*
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as
substitute for blood plasma.
*
No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
*
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
*
1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
*
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching
television.
I have a question for you. How much would YOU pay for
Napol-
eon Bonaparte's penis? This is no idle question because once
upon a time in 1972, someone tried to sell it. No kidding!
Before eBay ever tried to sell a kidney, the Christie's auct-
ion house tried selling Napoleon's member.
It seems that for some unexplained reason, when good
old
Napoleon died he had an autopsy. A physician in attendance
decided to keep a memento and sliced his manhood, put it in
a jar and for generations passed it on to his heirs. I bet
the readings of the wills were interesting, "...and to my
daughter Monique, I bequeath Napoleon's penis..."
But Napoleon's manhood did not hit the minimum bid
to be sold
and was taken off the market. Nobody even bid $2500 for this
piece of history. In 1977 an American Urologist purchased what
was left of the penis for $3800. Now I know many of you want
to know what the size of the penis was? One inch! A measly
one-inch (that's 2.54 centimeters ...which makes it sound
bigger.) The water in the storage jar must have been cold.
Now there are other bits of famous people that have
been
sold at auction. Sotheby's in London auctioned a four-inch
lock of Beethoven's hair in 1994. The purchaser paid $9000
and he wanted to do DNA testing to prove the rumors that
Beethoven had African blood in him.
BEND, Ore - 44-year-old Brian Walker never finished
school.
In fact, he dropped out after two semesters of engineering
college. But this fact is not keeping him from building a
rocket in his back yard. The self-made millionaire has
already invested $250,000 in his project. The thrust will
be produced by a combination of steam and hydrogen peroxide
engines. If all goes as planned his rocket will take him up
to 32 miles, where he will experience several moments of
weightlessness and then begin to fall back toward Earth.
"My whole mission is to show what a person can do on his
own," says Walker. "If I die, I die. I'd rather die
trying
this than spend the next 40 years bitter that I never made
the attempt."
-------- Previous Owner Reluctant To Leave Old Home
--------
CHICAGO, Illinois - Waking up the neighbors is evidentially
not an issue in a small town on Chicago's North Side. The
previous owner of a bungalow in this region apparently died
in February 1997. The trouble is, no one noticed until this
week when the new owner of the property at 5339 N. Central
opened the door and found Adolph Stec still sitting in his
living room chair -- a newspaper from February 1997 at his
side. Ronald Ohr of Glenview, Ill., purchased the Stec prop-
erty for back taxes. "It was a pitiful sight," Ohr's
wife,
Jeanne, told reporters. Neighbors said Stec, born 76 years
ago in Poland, was a loner who kept to himself after his
companion of 25 years, Brigita Rogucz, died about five years
ago. They thought he had abandoned the place.
-----****----------****
In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001)
Worker dead at desk for 5 days
(At least it wasnt 4 years!)
Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out
why no one noticed that one of their employees
had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone
asked if he was feeling okay.
George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader
at a New York firm for 30 years,
had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other
workers. He quietly passed away on Monday,
but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner
asked why he was still working during the weekend.
His boss Elliot Wachiaski said "George was always
the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night,
so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all
that time and didn't say anything. He was always
absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."
A post mortem examination revealed that he had been
dead for five days after suffering a coronary.
Ironically, George was proofreading manuscript of medical textbooks
when he died.
You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.
***
----- Archaeologists Expose 'Drinking Penis' at
Museum -----
LONDON, England - Archaeologists have exposed a "Drinking
Penis" at the Museum of London which was found during a dig
in the cities outskirts. The phallic-shaped cup is believed
to date from the late Stuart period and is being hailed as
the only known example of its kind. The cup features lifelike
testicles and an "anatomically correct" opening at the
end.
Its original maker also added a small cup above the base and
covered it with floral designs in blue and purple. According
to Hazel Forsyth, curator of museum's late collection, the
piece reflected the period's "rather bawdy sense of humor"
but it is also in remarkably good condition.
---------------- Hugging Against the Rules ----------------
Teachers at Pequot Lakes School in Minnesota are telling
students to just say no to hugs. Hugging has become a
standard greeting and way to say goodbye at Pequot Lakes.
But the school isn't embracing the idea. Teachers are doling
out reprimands to students caught hugging in the hallway.
School officials think it's sexual and inappropriate...
[That's how is started at Columbine High School in Colorado ya
know. First hugging, then the semi-automatic weapons. *rolls eyes]
Can you see the
Ax Wielding Fire Demon?
Who Says The Devil
Doesn't Exist!
OOOps! Sorry Bob!
Two Michigan robbers charged into a Detroit music store,
waving their guns. "Nobody move!" one of the robbers
ordered.
The second robber then moved - and his startled partner shot
him in the head.
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub
and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz
down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away
and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a
long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly
between his fingers and shakes him while yelling,
"Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem
when they found a slab
of rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were:
1) A Woman 2) A Donkey 3) A Shovel 4) A Fish
5) A Star of David.
After months of studying the rock and figures on it,
the leader took the
rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several
thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the
people of
that time.
1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures
indicated that
women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family
oriented culture.
2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals.
They
probably used the donkey to till the fields.
3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as
they knew how
to make tools.
4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops
they raised
by also reaping from the sea.
5. The Star of David of course indicates they were
a very religious
group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention
of
the speaker.
When acknowledged he said.............
I'm sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading
it left to right.
In Hebrew we read from right to left.
That way it reads..........
CANBERRA, Australia - A 48-year-old Pakistani man was
granted
permanent residence in Australia several years ago and has
been trying to secure visas for his family ever since. Not
realizing that his case had been approved, the man lit him-
self on fire in protest at the entrance to the parliament
building in Canberra. A witness said, "He was rolling around
on the ground...but he stopped moving by the time anybody went
out there with a fire extinguisher." The man was reportedly
upset that his family had yet to receive visas, but according
to local papers, the protest was unnecessary because the visas
had already been okayed. The man remains in critical condition
in a burns unit at Sydney's Concord Hospital.
Oops!
____________________________
+--------- Bizarre Sexually Suggestive Town Names
---------+
Intercourse, Alabama
Bald Knob, Arkansas
Clapper Gap, California
Rough and Ready, California
Climax, Colorado
Blue Ball, Delaware
Cumming, Georgia
French Lick, Indiana
Beaver Lick, Kentucky
Eros, Louisiana
Assawoman Bay, Maryland
Gay Head, Massachusetts
Conception, Missouri
Square Butt, Montana
Horneytown, N. Carolina
Bowlegs, Oklahoma
Oral, S. Dakota
Humptulips, Washington
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor
Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside
his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy
Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is
kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood,
but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left..
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself
surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon
surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh
God,
I'm screwed."
The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you
are NOT
screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head
of the chief standing in front of you."
So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief.
Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking
at 100 angry natives...
The voice booms out again, "Okay... NOW you're
screwed."
A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings
has
screwed him for ten million bucks. This underling happens to
be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows
sign language.
The Godfather asks the underling: "Where is the
10 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language,
asks
the underling where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The underling signs back: "I don't know what you are talking
about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know
what you're
talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol,
puts it to the
underling's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling:
"He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money
is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney:
"Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies:
"He says you don't have
the guts to pull the trigger.
---------------- Internet Group Lends Support to
Well Endowed Males ----------------
There is a new website being established to lend support to men
with large penises.
The website says it caters to those men with large penises, and
those who have been
injured by one. The site´s home page reassures everyone,
While it is true that 1.5%
of home accidents are caused by large penis-related incidents,
only a small number
have ever been known to be fatal.
---------------- The Sweet Taste of Success?
----------------
SWITZERLAND - Have you ever thought about what happened
to
those odd kids in your grammar school that used to eat paste
and construction paper? Evidentially they grew up and moved
to Switzerland where they now eat toilet paper. At least that
might be the case for Roger Weisskopf, whose claim to fame
is his unusual ability to identify different brands of toilet
paper by taste. Weisskopf demonstrated his natural "talent"
on German television and has a won a lifetime supply of toilet
paper. Weisskopf reportedly practiced for an entire year and
begged friends to bring back foreign toilet paper. Now that
he has won his prize he has decided to give up eating toilet
paper and concentrate making a singing toilet lid to cash in
on his fame.
It was the custom among men in Rome, when swearing
to tell
the truth, to place one's right hand on one's testicles.
The English word "testimony" is related to this custom.
**This figures
Percentage of Americans that want to change their bodies in
some way: 75%. Percentage of Americans that would want to
change their intelligence: 13%. (THIS figures)
The can opener was invented forty-four years after
canned food. (????)
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the
monarch of a
neighboring kingdom.
The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful
happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could
answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
figure
out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would
be
killed.
The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable
man, and, to young Arthur,
it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than
death, he accepted the monarch's
proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody:
the princess, the prostitutes, the priests,
the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone
but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as
only she would know the answer.
The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout
the kingdom for the
exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no
alternative but to
talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd
have to
accept her price first:
The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights
of
the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous,
had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene
noises...
He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused
to
force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told
him
that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life
and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch
answered
Arthur's question:
What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her
own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered
a great truth and
that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring
monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was
torn between
relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous.
The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her
hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself
for a horrific
night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful
woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and
asked
what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to
her (when she'd
been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed
self, and
the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which
would he
want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his
predicament:
During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but
at
night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch?
Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night
a
beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made
your
own choice.
*
*
*
*
*
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose
for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be
beautiful all the
time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge
of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR
WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH....
*cackle* I thought this was very funny
