More Funnies for you...

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If You Love Something...

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But.... If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your
food, uses your telephone,
takes your money, and
doesn't appear to realize
that you actually set it free in the first place,
You either married it or gave birth to it.

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World's Shortest Books

20. Beauty Secrets -- by Janet Reno
19. Home-Built Airplanes -- by John Denver
18. How to Get to the SuperBowl -- by Dan Marino
17. Things I Love About Bill -- by Hillary Clinton
16. My Life's Memories -- by Ronald Reagan
15. Things I Can't Afford -- by Bill Gates
14. Things I Wouldn't Do For Money -- by Dennis Rodman
13. The Wild Years -- by Al Gore
12. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
11. America's Most Popular Lawyers
10. Detroit -- A Travel Guide
9. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
8. Everything Men Know About Women
7. Everything Women Know About Men
6. All the Men I've Loved Before -- by Ellen DeGeneres
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. Spotted Owl Recipes -- by the EPA
3. The Amish Phone Directory
2. My Plan to Find the Real Killers -- by O. J. Simpson

And the World's Number One Shortest book...
1. My Book of Morals -- by Jessie Jackson

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Laugh Out Loud

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life
that when she married she was to please her husband
and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese
bride crawled out of bed after making love, she stopped
and bent over to pick up her husband's clothes and she
accidentally lets out a big fart. She looked up and said:

"So sorry...excuse please, front hole so happy
back hole laugh out loud."

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Goin To 'Town'

A sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees
a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his
cowboy hat and his boots, so the sheriff arrests him for
indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up he asks, "Why in the world are you
dressed like this?"

The cowboy replies, "Well, it's like this, Sheriff. I was in
the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me
to go out to her motor home with her and I did."

"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull
off my shirt, so I did..."

"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my
pants, so I did..."

"Then she pulls off her underwear and asks me to pull off my
shorts, so I did..."

"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and
says, 'Now go to town, Cowboy...'"

"So here I am."

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What ever happened to our favorite Disney characters?

MICKEY MOUSE:
Died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes
because Minnie said "No" for 50 years.

DONALD DUCK:
Served as a main course at Epcot's China Pavilion.

PLUTO:
Caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed.

GOOFY:
Assassinated during first term as President of the United States.

SCROOGE McDUCK:
Died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS.

HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE:
Involved in an underground child pornography ring.

SNOW WHITE:
Fell for the "apple trick" again.

DOPEY:
'nuff said.

SNEEZY:
Died of pneumonia with Jim Henson.

GRUMPY:
Executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds.

HAPPY:
Killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds.

DOC:
Was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life
living under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans.

SLEEPY:
Never woke up.

BASHFUL:
Now a stripper with the Chippendales.

MARY POPPINS:
Shot down over Iraqi airspace.

WINNIE THE POOH:
Had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570.

PIGLET:
Gunned down in a mafia hit.

RABBIT:
Died of an aneurysm while watching over his garden.

TIGGER:
Accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff.

TINKERBELL:
Caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid.

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Incredibly Helpful Hints -

* Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said
to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out
and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend
to march. See for yourself.

* Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

* To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet,
simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough
water to cover bottom of pan, and bring
to a boil on stovetop.

* To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying
soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.

*That a leaky water faucet that drips one drop of water per
second will waste 60 gallons of water if left to drip for a
week? What about a month or a year? Better get those fixed!

*You can make your bars of soap last twice as long
if you remove the wrappers and let them dry out and
harden before using?

* To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a
pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it
rises to the surface, throw it away.

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Click here for more!

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