**Looking back over this letter, I wanted to warn you right
away, it's longer than the ocean is deep. Better grab a
soft chair, a good drink or just print it out, you're going to be
here awhile *Chuckle SORRY! I got out of hand ():)

:::Hey! Sorry it took so long to respond! It has been hell lately with the
divorce and all.

Hello Darren!

Excellent to hear from you! :))) Sorry to hear about the divorce,
I didnt know if you were married or not. If someone told me it
must have slipped my mind, so much going on at the time.
Divorce can be a messy thing, I hope yours is going a little more
smoothly than most.
I'm what they call 'lucky' I guess... I havent gotten my divorce
yet, but it's not a problem. Neither of us are fighting for ANYthing,
there's no property or furnishings to argue about... our kids naturally
go with me, because he's not mentally capable of taking care of them.
(Way long story there) and he lives with his father who takes care of
him and they all still live in Idaho.
At least we both recognize that, so it's not a battle either.
He doesnt have the money for a divorce because he's disabled,
and I dont have $400-$500 either. Rick, the person I live with here
in AZ. wants to pay for the divorce, but his intentions are so that he can
marry me.
I dont want to marry anyone lol I'm STILL married, why would I
jump on board again??? Yeeek.
Plus, my divorce is not Ricks problem, it's mine alone and I'm not
even sure where I'm going to be in the next few years, let alone
marry again.

:::Suddenly, it all came rushing back. There I was... face to face
with all the information that I would ever need to convince people
what really happened.

I'm curious, what was it that brought it all 'rushing back'? A program
on television? A book?

For me it was former Davidian, Mark Breault's book, "Inside the Cult".
I was completely in the dark before reading Mark's book. Of course, the
'news vipers' had initially poisoned me against the Davidians, so Mark's
book and the title fit right along with my thinking.

I was fascinated by his story... here was this guy just wanting to
learn the Bible and he nearly gets slaughtered along with all the
'cult' members he came to live with. It was amazing to me that he
left beforehand and wasnt killed himself. But not only that... he was
trying to 'save' the people he recruited into the 'cult'. He said to
try and make amends for being the person responsible for bringing
them to Koresh in the first place.

What got to me the most was his description of the people inside.
I was expecting all kinds of stories about weird things they would
do, or strange 'cult customs', etc. What I was shocked about was
the absolute NORMALCY of them all! Here was this book showing
loving, caring individuals who were none of the things the press
portrayed them as.

From the very first sentence talking about what people were like
until the fiery end I was transfixed. I guess I kept waiting for the
part where these normal rational people were going to change into
raving lunatics. Didnt happen.

Marks book goes on and on about what these people were like
how they were feeling, how he "escaped" back to Australia, how
he began his plan of bringing Koresh and his 'cult' into the light
of law enforcement, child enforcement, news media and any other
way he could. He even contacted CAN (Cult Awareness Network)
trying to get them to help out. Finally he sat watching the whole place
burn down. His book ended with the fire, but for me, this was the
EXACT moment that my journey began.

I wasnt content with "everyone lights a fire and kills themselves.
The End" And basically that's exactly how his book ended. I felt
cheated. I HAD to know what this Mark person thought about
everything AFTER the fire, but his book just stopped. I wasnt going
to have any of that.. I wanted answers, so using the new wonders
(for me) of the internet, I tracked him down. I wanted to
know how he felt about what HIS role in all of this.

I've read sooooooooooo many books in my lifetime, and not once
have I felt so compelled to find an author in my life. I simply
couldnt let it go. I know the feelings of not being able to sleep
or think about anything else. I was struck by this and it wasnt
going away.

I took two days to carefully compile a letter to Mark so I could
send it to his email address. I didnt want him to think I was
writing to cause him any stress or harm so I explained that I
thought he was (ready for this?) a BRAVE man for doing what
he did. (ugh) I truly meant what I said at the time though...
I thought that he had gone almost to the ends of the Earth to
'save' the people he loved and cared about from this cult leader,
but almost every single one died despite his tremendous effort.

I explained that the people inside seemed so loving, especially to
their children... how can I be expected to believe that they turned
to those same beautiful gentle children and said "DIE" just because
Koresh said it was to be?

My main question and the full reason of writing was... "What do you
feel like now that it's all over, in light of HOW it started (Him) and
how it ended? Your book ended with the fire, but I KNOW that's not
all.. it cant be."
I wanted to know if he felt the ATF, FBI and DOJ went overboard
with the information he provided them and if he felt they had lied to
him.

I was pleasantly surprised to see a 3 page letter in reply to mine
sitting in my mailbox a few days later. I about screamed seeing his
name appear there... I thought surely my letter would be eaten by
a black hole in the cyber universe, never to be read.

He said (quoting his letters),
"I will endeavor to answer your questions as thoroughly as possible, since
your interest seems genuine and objective."
(I realized a lot of people probably send hate mail too. Something
I didnt even really consider at the time. NOW however, it's obvious)

He went on to say, "The BATF were, after a while at least, fully convinced
that Elizabeth and I, along with the others, told the truth
with respect to the allegations. They did not, however, investigate those
allegations. About the only thing they did do, was put those things in their
warrant as a sort of prod to get the judge to agree to it."

He goes on to assert again he had only a minor role in what happened
in regard to his allegations, but then he takes credit for decisions
made along the way.. at one point saying 'the field agents and myself
were overruled from top officials'.
Here is one other example of him supposedly being in a position to
'direct the raid'.
"The actual timing of the raid was my responsibility. In the initial
stages, I was asked what time I thought would be best. I said that the
third hour after sunrise was the best option. My reasons for this answer
are somewhat complex.
I meant what I said literally, though, that is, that the time shifted with the
changing of the seasons. The actual raid happened during the third hour
after sunrise."
"They (FBI) were unaware of the BATF’s extensive files on the group.
I know this because I informed the hostage team what information was
available and where to find it. This may sound strange, but keep in mind
the situation was total chaos.
The BATF were lying to everyone by that time and the poor field agents
had difficulty ascertaining the truth about anything. "

Then out of nowhere this 'little known fact' as he calls it,
comes flying off the page....

"There is, I believe, a little known fact about the initial shootout. As
you know, a number of Branch Davidians were killed.
Elizabeth and I knew every one of them. What I have not seen published
in too many places, is that two of these were killed by Branch Davidians
themselves. They are Winston Blake and Jaydeen Wendel. They were
killed by contact gunshot wounds to the back of the head.
The weapon used was the same in both instances: a .22 weapon. The gun
shot wounds were centimeters below the right ear and whoever did it, knew
right where to shoot. There were no other gun shot wounds to these two.
Technically, a contact wound means that the gun could have been very, very
close to the skin, but not actually touching it. The two were killed
execution style. This is very clear in their autopsy reports."

"At first glance, you might suspect the two had been wounded and were
simply put out of the misery out of mercy. Perhaps. One interesting fact
links these two individuals. Both wanted out of the organization previously.
Jaydeen actually did leave for a short while, but rejoined the group
because she was afraid of going to hell."

"It is not 100% conclusive. They could have been killed out of mercy,
but they could also have been killed because they were trouble makers.
Of the two, I believe the second is the most likely scenario. This is based
on our extensive investigation into these two deaths, and the fact Elizabeth
and I knew Jaydeen very, very well.
I was, in fact, I was responsible for convincing Jaydeen to join the group."

He flip flops back and forth saying, 'he was in charge of this or that'
then backs off and says, 'FBI never listened to me,they did as they
wished and made up lies about me to cover their own butts'. He is
convinced however that Koresh ordered the fires started to fulfill his
prophecies.

We wrote back and forth a few different times, but by then I
was already moving forward 90mph reading everything I could
get my hands on. Of course once the 'other side' started opening
up, I realized what kind of person Mark really was. An Egomaniac.
Pretty much the same thing he accused Koresh of being.
He places himself in positions of power he never had, places and
situations he couldnt have possibly seen with his high level of
blindness. Just the whole thing stunk to high heaven and I never
replied to him again.

Its funny, sometimes I wonder if he's seen my website before.
I know he wouldnt have a clue it was me that created it, or HIM
that inspired it, but it gives me a certain satisfaction "UNdoing" what
he did. Even if it's to a small extent.

::I had these grand illusions that EVERYONE would wake up.

I sort of did too, but I also had my usual backup dose of reality I
carry on me at all times and I told myself that the main goal of
my site was to reach just ONE person and turn them completely
around, exactly what happened to me. THEN I would know it
was worth the effort. Just ONE person that would wake up and
tell two others, then hopefully they would tell 4 others and so on.

Even though I built the site and essentially walked away, it never
left it's 'post' and never stopped doing it's job. Sometimes I take
weeks to reply to friends who've written or those 'atta boy' emails
I get... but the ones I sit and answer immediately are the ones who
come at me, angry at what I've done, what I show people.

THESE... these are the people it was intended for exactly!
Bring your anger... bring your frustrations and vent on me.
I vent back with as much anger as they bring... I come back
at them with the same tone they used on me, but as I go along,
I explain to them piece by piece what happened, WHY they SHOULD
be outraged.. but not outraged at Koresh, outraged at the government
who slaughtered 81 OTHER people along with Koresh!

He is ONE person to the entire equation... if you cannot handle
defending him, dont. No one said you had to. But what kind of
human being can have all the facts and still walk away unchanged?
How can you put 81 separate human beings into a lump with one guy
and say, 'They deserved this'.
Stop and think with your heart for a change, see beyond your anger
and the media lies, look at the proof.

Not a single person has walked away towing the same line
they did when they first wrote/attacked me. A great majority
have apologized for being so rude, using cuss words, accusing
ME of being a child molester too, among other choice references.
As what happened to yourself, a few of them have even joined the patriot
movement too through what I've taught them :)

:::Then on August 10th, 2000, I came across an article in the
Houston Chronicle about a family being harassed by local and
federal authorities. In it, the authorities made two statements
that REALLY scared me.

I totally know where you're coming from... when I saw the
initial reports I was crushed. SAME exact bylines as the
Waco stories. I started sending news about the Grays almost
as soon as I heard. I too suffered some of the backlash from
other patriots, as they believed this was a lost cause for the
wrong reasons. I didnt care at that point if the Grays were
guilty or not, the press and the feds were setting them up for
another "Waco fall". All the elements were there... and I could
see it coming.

:::I couldn't sleep and even dreamed of what might happen to
those people if I didn't help. So, I told Jerry that I was going to fill my
Suburban and trailer with as much stuff as I could carry.

You have my total respect. I was very surprised to hear you
tell even a small part of your experience with the Grays at the
memorial. I knew there were people who would go up there, but
I had no idea people like you were staying out there and bringing
so much food and other items too. Thank you so much for being
there when they needed help. I told many people that if the feds
start crap we all need to head down there and help out. I didnt
know exactly where Trinidad was either, except it was somewhere
by the Davidians.(?) Or so I was led to believe. 80 miles away or
something.

::...Things such as standing for what you believe in, defending the ones that can't
defend themselves, and believing in yourself.

All very wonderful things to not only be teaching them, but by your
actions SHOWING them firsthand. Again, you're to be commended.
So many times people try and label you as a 'freak' for believing
what we do, but it's the wool over their eyes and not entirely their
own fault. Not allowing the wool to be placed there to begin with
you are indeed giving them the necessary tools to prevent something
like Waco from ever happening again.

I too am educating my children and giving them the same tools.
Only with the children are we to ever be able to right this wrong.
An agenda has been underway for a long time now.. I AM a product
of it. I was allowed to slip through the school system time and time again virtually
undetected. It left me without necessary knowledge everyone
needs and left me with a lot of propaganda I still wade through, trying
to decipher fact from mass produced fiction.

Never before Waco did I truly consider that we were ALL being
systematically fooled.. dumbed down purposefully! I left school with
a complete negative attitude towards the entire experience.
I love to learn! What I hate is when people lie to me. I dont know if
God just gave me an extra dose of truth serum (conscience) when
I was being 'made', but even when it hurts, I have to tell the truth.

When people ask for honest opinions, what are they expecting I
wonder, when they get angry with your answer? They asked and all
I can do is tell what I feel. How they react is not something I have
control over. Because of that, I have a zero tolerance for liars.
For some reason, 99% of the time I always find out when people have
lied to me. The realization may take days, months weeks or even
years, but it all comes out eventually.

I came to the realization that we are ALL being lied to.. every single
day by these 'talking heads' and their minions. The teachers spread
the word, the kids digest, they spread the word, spread their genes,
spread their poison and the cycle continues.

The children are the ones we need to focus on. We need to find
the right way to educate them... the first way is to educate their teachers,
educate their parents and their parents. We need a way
to reach them aside from all of those people too however... a lot
of their parents have stopped listening. They hear Waco and it's all
over before it started. But we need those kids'/teens/young adults,
to KNOW the truth. Only through them and their repeating of the
truth can save any of us. They have the means to make or break us
all. They are being taught protecting yourself is wrong. They are
taught to be weak-minded and shallow hearted.

To coin a gun control slogan, "Even if it only saves one child".
Indeed! But not to their cause!

::::Anyway, I have been meaning to send those pictures that I
have promised, but things have happened that seem to take up
all my time right now. I will send them this week, even if it kills
me. ;-)

No need to kill yourself ;) I might be a red head, but I was given
*some patience. ():)
I appreciate ANY pictures that you send to me Darren! I love
seeing pictures, if you havent guessed that from my slow loading
website ;)

I especially like getting pictures from people I have met that I respect
enormously and who are good looking to boot! :)
I'd love to see pictures of your daughters too... I could never forget
what Cynthia looks like.. she reminds me of my little cousin Jenn.
I'll show you a picture of her sometime.. they look very similar.
Jenn is 22 now with a baby girl and has grown into a beautiful woman.
:)) She was JUST as talkative, excited, SPASTIC *chuckle and
wired to the gills just like Cynthia was at the memorial. I live far
away from all of my family now, so meeting Cynthia was like getting
a rare visit from someone I love and miss a lot. :) She's a great
girl, full of spirit mixed with good intentions a good heart a smart mind
and a lot of mischievousness *giggle

Much like ME at her age.. and Jenn at her age.. etc. ;)
She'll 'mellow' out eventually... "I" was the 'wild one' in my family...
Jenn took over where I left off.

:::. The lock thing REALLY bothers me. Also, as taboo as this sounds,
do they have a weapon that they can use to defend themselves?

I asked Clive the very same thing when I stayed with them and
noticed him holding the door closed with the can of bolts. I had
flown there with my firearm, but he was closer to the door.
He said he did. He didnt go into detail, but small or large, I'm glad
he has anything at all.

:::And as for the lights, I can buy at LEAST 2 of those motion
sensor lights that can be mounted on the walls of the church and
where ever they need.

Excellent, I will get 2 more for the house and the museum. Any
idea how much those things cost? I havent had to purchase one
before. Dont worry about the electrical portion, I know Mike Hanson
or one of them can have someone do it.

::::OH... and DAMMIT, your memorial page made me cry. :-(
That picture of the doll just knocked me down. I just sat there
staring at it. Sigh.

:o( I know... imagine my horror and surprise when I came around
the corner and saw it. I did a triple take and tried to calm myself
so I could be sure that's exactly what it was. Never in my wildest
dreams did I think i would find that. I know the next time I go
back I will take a huge sack and gathering up things to place
in the museum. Take a whole day to move things and look under
everything.

For sure next time though I have to bring some heavy duty gloves.
I ended up cutting my wrist wide open on a piece of rusty metal
when I lost my balance. UGH.
I had to ask Edna to take a wire brush and scrape out the
damn rust for me cause I couldnt hold it wide open and do it
at the same time. Couple of people warned I should go get a
shot, but NO WAY man.. I give the shots (to my kids, long story),
I dont GET shots. At least not unless I'm literally dying of something,
or a bad tooth forces me to. >:o(

:::I wish that you lived closer so that we could spend some more
time together. I would really like to get to know you better. Have
you ever thought of moving to Texas?

I think about it every day LOL Doesnt do me any good ;)
Its ONLY by the grace of God I was allowed to arrive in Arizona
to begin with. Where I go from here is anyone's guess. I have
so many complicated issues to deal with here, it's a daily struggle.
But the struggle I waged for my life back in Idaho doesnt compare
to the struggles here, so I cannot complain.

I just know my heart doesnt reside in Arizona... Texas calls me
there, but only because of my desperate need to help the
Davidians and Clive & Edna specifically. I think of ways every single
day to how I can accomplish this and still 'be okay', have my children
'be okay' and not end up in the hellish struggle I was in to begin with.

Sadly I cant come up with the solution. Perhaps it's not in the
'greater plan', I dont know. I guess like anything else in life, I'll
know the answer, when I know the answer. *shrug
The humidity and heat combined with the never ending wind make
me nervous to be honest. I dont deal with heat stroke too well
AND I get ear infections from constantly blowing wind... a condition
I had surgery for many times as a kid, to no avail. I cant walk
around with cotton in my ears the rest of my life. lol

:::I'd like for my daughter to know more people like you and
your children!

I'd love that also :) I've been in Tucson over 3 years, have made
very few friends, and even lost 2 entirely in the process.
I have a tendency to limit my inner circle rather severely... when I
do open it up, it never fails, someone turns out to be exactly
the opposite of what they led you to believe and you get burned.
When I had a large scale of friends it happened, when I narrowed
it to only 3, when I moved here, and 2 of them ended up stabbing
me in the back, I realized that there's nothing you can do to
truly protect yourself. You just have to be cautious and not jump
in too deep. Unfortunately, my children end up being casualties of this
no one I know has children for them to play with.
I hold very few people straight close to my heart, but the ones I do,
I would help defend to the end. I just wish my kids had other children
to relate to and be friends with too.

You sound like a very decent human being and your daughters I know
are proud to call you their father. I look forward to speaking more with
all of you and getting to know you also. I read your letter with much
interest.

:::You have been in my thoughts a lot lately, Sharlene.
Tell me more about yourself. I will be calling you very soon.
Yours in "The Cause",
Darren

You and your family have been in mine. I hope this letter finds
you in good spirits and life treating you well. (Divorce aside).
I look forward to seeing more pictures of ALL of you and the
memorial and I look forward to hearing more about you also.

I ended up typing you a literal novel... please dont feel like you
have to sit down and reply with great length. I tend to ramble
at times... having the ability to type fast isnt always a
virtue. ;)

I do have to admit something though... I didnt intend on typing
out such a huge explanation about how I started in all of this,
but the more I wrote the more it became therapy of sorts. To
finally get it all down on 'paper' so I could sort through some things.
I plan on taking portions of it and showing Clive and some others...
I told them a summation of it, but never details. Hope your eyes
are watering up and getting weary of all this text *chuckle
I swear this letter printed out will probably be 4 pages or more
long. I'll try to spare you in the next one ;)

*Hugs to you and the girls
I look forward to talking with you again :)

~Sharlene~